"Genius, the man is talented" (K. McGowan)
"You'll be hearing from my lawyer" (Various)
"A must read" (K. McGowan)
"Piss off Kim" (well,...........)
"He's quite tall for his height"(Ms Whiplash)
Anyway, he's here, he's writing the log and we've given him a page all to himself.
While all work remains the intellectual property of K.S.McGowan, the EDitER reserves the right to protect her credibility.
The Log of the Fully Prepared
Part One, The Invite.
Well it all started with a phone call. Cheri's friends Jan and Mike, Aussies.
They were buying a packet from America, I though why would you phone England if you were buying a packet, fags, biscuits, cocaine - it turns out it is a boat. Would I like to come on their boat and sail it back to Australia. I've done some sailing but to sail a boat back to Australia from the Northern Hemisphere, over the equator to the Southern Hemisphere - it's upside down and the water goes the down the plughole the wrong way. But they said they could do with a spare pair of hands, being polite I said I would call our amputee clinic and see if they could oblige. The phone went dead, so I was under an obligation to help out.
I made my own flight arrangements to meet them in Mexico which really made my arms hurt. I landed in San Diego ouch! Mike had arranged for me to be picked up, but I was ok, just a slightly bruised ankle. Then to Mexico.
They had asked me to bring supplies from the UK with a shopping list: Vegemite - small vegetables condensed into a brown paste, 61 cartridges, which I thought was a bit odd, I know Mexico is a bit lawless. Green coffee, well that took the biscuit. I've only ever seen brown coffee, you ever seen a green coloured person? No, they're always coffee coloured or even black. The final straw was a sextant. I though ok, I'll phone Camping World and see what they say and why the hell do Jan and Mike want a sex tent on a boat, especially a gay one.
The boat has been provisioned for our Puddle Jump, stupid American saying for crossing the largest ocean in the world, mind you some of them are quite big. We were stowing the provisions when I thought I must tell Mike? Mike, my name is Kim and before I could go any further he said I know that. Just stick the beers under your bed. Well, imagine that, me with crates of beer under my bed, doesn't bear drinking about.
Well, we are nearly set and ready for our voyage, just last minute adjustments and tuning. My ipod works. Jan decided to replace the string that works the topping lift. For those of you who don't know what that is, it's a bit of string that pulls the boom up. The boom is a loud noise when it hits you on the head. But this string had to be spliced, a complicated way of making a loop in a bit of string. Jan sat there for a couple of hours with the string, a needle, bits of black rope strands and an electric hot knife. Her patience eventually gone she looked more like Mistress Whiplash - Mike on the other hand with his tan coloured hair, beard and glasses reminds me of a ferret looking through a hole in a hedge. Best go to bed.
A Day Trip to San Diego (Jan and Mike Tours)
Today being Friday, Mike has decided we need to go back to San Diego to stock up with more toys for the boat, Jan needed to mail some jumpers to Australia. God knows why, I thought the place was overun with jumpers and other funny animals. It started well, until we reached the border, after an hour or so we were off the bus and headed for the check point. I was fine going through, stiff upper lip and all that, but Jan and Mike didn't have the little rubber stampy thing up to date, so they were told in so many words to go back to where they came from. Anyway as a true sailor not about to desert ship I made it to the nearest McDonalds and put my feet up. I waited for an hour or so before the ferret and Miss Whiplash were finally allowed through. They said this American well not exactly in those words but this "ladies reproductive organ" had treated them like criminals, well if you are Australian then you may well be descended from one - didn't want to rub it in. So off we went to Mikes toy shop in uptown San Diego. I think I walked uptown down town, more like a route march with Captain Horatio Ferret, Miss Whiplash and me in tow. We finally made it back to Tijuana, now it's my turn, as I need a little rubber thing in my passport. No problem, maybe it was because I wasn't wearing on of those funny hats with corks hanging off and a bent stick. During our route march I managed to buy some fishing equipment, a bungee line, some 200lb breaking strain string, an octo pussy lure, wonder if it works on land? Jan was so impressed I've been upgraded to fish finder general. Mike has filled his bag with goodies and is smiling again, Jan sent her jumpers and I bought a rather nice pair of blue and white rubber deck shoes, they didn't have high heels but Jan said they matched my eyes. I said they do them in red as well. Mike was so pleased with his toys he offered to get us home by cab. Nothing to do with the fact that the buses had stopped running. Well, we're back at the hotel, I am at the bar and they are on the boat. Tomorrow is big decision time (do I stay in the bar) or are we leaving Sunday. The problem is there's two of them if it comes to a vote. Cross that bridge when it happens, best have a beer.
Saturday, the Jewish Sabbath, a Day of Rest
It started ok, I managed to get out of bed, well the barman said I think you should be back on your boat and stop relieving yourself on that cactus plant. Size doesn't matter, I've only got a little prick. He said you'll have a few more, now move your arse, and threw me a roll of toilet paper.
Grassy Arse, I said.
Mike had made coffee and Jan was gathering up dirty clothes and was off to do her "smalls on the rocks". Haven't had tried that drink. I think Mike might be suspicious of me as he wanted to inspect my cabin on the pretext that one of his toys wasn't working properly. He ferreted around under my bed, missing the bottle of bourbon, but found a little box with wires attatched, some regulator, pulling a couple of wires it worked, phew that was a close shave. Mike had his toys that he'd bought the previous day laid out on a seat. A New Thruster he declared proudly. I'm not sure if this isn't going to turn out to be one of those Hedonistic Tours - Whiplash bashing her smalls on the rocks and the ferret thrusting his regulation toy. Anyway - all to their own.
On a more serious note, we all planned to go to the Carnival after lunch but Miss W announced that she had the squits squerts and was unable to go. Well, she was able to go on a very regular basis, but not to the carnival. She said she'd been up and down like the Spoace Shuttle. Not being in a position as her own personal doctor I put it down to eating too many Mexican Jumping Beans. These beans are basically a moth larvae, and if overdosing on them the result is like a flock of starlings leaving the roost WOOMP! We left her and proceeded downtown. The Carnival was great, loads of scantily clad young ladies, throwing necklaces to the people. I managed to catch one young ladies eye, who had the best pair of water wings I have ever seen. Mike said 'you're old enough to be her Father' It's a possibility, I replied.
We reurned from the festivities. Jan was making Spaghetti Bolognaise but she still wann't quite right. Mike decided she needed some sort of medication, but immodium just blocks you up.
Well, I though when Mike was giving me the guided tour of the boat, he issued me with a large rubber mallet and a large wooden plug. This was for sealing up any pipe or seacock that had broken. Jan's face didn't exactly light up when I said would you mind bending over please while I stem the leak. I've got to get back to my dormitory now, it's nearly last orders.
Should I ask this question? Where did they find you?????
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